15 seconds of fame

Today was a first for me. Today I outed myself as an infertile man in search of a sperm donor in the mainstream media. Yesterday afternoon I spent some time doing a phone interview for BBC Radio Scotland for an article about the shortage of donors in Scotland. Things have got so bad that Scotland now only has one active sperm donor and only two places where donors can donate. The piecemeal way in which the clinics work in this country meant that, when an appeal for donors went out and six men came forward as being interested in becoming donors there was nowhere local for them to donate and they all had to drop the idea. On top of that, each clinic that has its own donors now retain stocks and are under no obligation to pass them to clinics with matching recipients. Instead they retain them in case a matching patient turns up at some point in the future.

For us, we went off to the clinic to sort out the timing for our IVF cycle. We both had blood drawn for various tests, including an FSH test for me and I had a testicular exam. The consultant was encouraged by what he saw and said that, if the blood tests don't show my FSH levels as being extremely high then he'll recommend a biopsy for possible use in the eggs harvested for IVF. We wouldn't rely on just my sperm so we'd probably give a couple of them something from me and fertilise the rest with our sample of donor sperm. Of course if mine don't take then we'll go with the donor, but if they do we're let with a dilemma. Whatever we don't use will be frozen and freezing them reduces the chance of a successful transfer, but what if we have two crappy embryos from my sperm and some really great looking ones from the donor? I have to give my guys the best chance they'll ever get but if I do and then neither they nor the frozen donor embryos take and we end up childless it will be down to the decision that I made to give my guys the best chance.

I don't know. I guess it's just one more moral dilemma that those of us who choose this route have to try and work out.

Taking a stand

For most of my life I've been the kind of guy who likes to take easy route through life. If there's a tough way and an easy way then, more often than not, I'll plug for the easy one. But there are also times when I spot what I consider to be a social injustice that I can't bear to sit back and watch. Sometimes those injustices affect me and sometimes they effect others and have no real bearing on me whatsoever. But one thing that is common is that once I've latched on to one I will not let it go until I have exhausted every opportunity to correct it. I'm the kind of guy who likes to read the book very carefully and then throw it back at the people causing the misery.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that most of the times I'll let things slide, but once I've locked onto something it takes a lot to make me let go (as the poor ladies at the NGDT discovered when they opened their inboxes this morning). And recruiting donors looks like it's going to be one of those things for me. It's going to take a few weeks to set things up and there is nothing set in stone yet but I would say watch this space. I will soon start shouting and when I shout it tends to get loud.

And I know that, by standing up and making the case for people like myself I will become a natural target for those that disapprove of what I'm trying to do. The people that oppose Donor Conception as an alternative way of creating families (I purposely avoid the words treatment for infertility because I recognise that it is not a treatment) are relying on the private nature of DI and people's reluctance to talk about such things to push their agenda through unchallenged. It is easy to get your way when your opponents are afraid to speak up and the massive changes in the law in places like Australia seem, in my opinon, to have taken place because a few people shouted loud, people that disapproved were afraid to voice their concerns in public for fear of becoming targets and the quiet majority simply went along with it all because they only heard one side of the argument.

So for me it's time to push back. The changes to the law in the UK seem to me like the start of a quiet campaign to stop DC by the back door and I, for one, want to do something about it. I recognise that there are people that don't approve and I understand that for some that this is a touchy subject, but the fact of the matter is that I don't believe that DC is wrong and neither do most of the people that I talk to about it. I will not back down for fear of upsetting the sensibilities of those that disagree with me. Fundamentally these people are entitled to their opinions and I am entitled to disagree with them. And, just as they will, I will fight tooth and nail to make sure my team comes out on top. Because if I don't then thousands of couples will continue to suffer the pain and anguish of never being able to get what they so desperately desire and never being able to get on with their lives.

DC brings hope to the lives of those for which there would otherwise be none. Accepting yourself as infertile is a hard and painful thing to do. It is an ache that eases but never goes away. But it is nothing compared to a life without hope. DC provides the hope that, through all of the pain and suffering, something wonderful will grow.

Desperately Seeking Donor

It occurred to me that, in all of this, I've not actually put forward our requirements for our donor in case any of you people out there in blogland might be able to help or know someone that could, so here are some things we'd like in our donor. I'd like to point out that if someone is interested in helping us but doesn't think that they meet our criteria please get in touch anyway. Ok here goes:

1. I'm white.
2. I have brown eyes and brown hair.
3. I'm 5 foot 8 inches tall
4. I weigh 65 kilos and am of a slim/medium build
5. I'm left handed
6. I have a degree in International Politics and International History and a Masters degree in computing.
7. I like finding out how things work and consider myself to be more of an engineer than anything else.
8. We live in the West Midlands region of the UK (although we don't mind where in the country our donor comes from)
   

And that's about it. If you think you might be able to help us or any other couple then you can contact me via this blog or get in touch with the National Gamete Donation Trust by email at info@ngdt.co.uk or by phone on 0845 226 9193 and quote either my name "Richard Woolven" or our reference number, which is N1107.

If there's a chance you might be able to help us please ring the NGDT and at least make some enquiries.

If all of you bloggers out there want to post the above details it'd be much appreciated in case one of your visitors can help.

Richard

Well do..just do it in a cup

DynamoDad has joined me from the other side of the world in my campaign to try and recruit donors and, as a man who knows his graphics, has come up with the poster below.


And I think he's right. The use of the word "Wanker" might offend a few people but the fact is that it's the kind of language most men use in their everyday lives and works nicely given what we're asking people to do. I don't want people to consider that donating is something that should be taken lightly but to get people to even consider the idea then we need to lift the veil of secrecy and the idea that donating is somehow sordid.

Today has been a crappy day for me. I was wandering around town and everywhere I went I saw kids, pregnant women and signs saying "Don't forget Fathers Day" as if that was likely. I remember Fathers Day last year and how sad I was that our attempts to conceive had not succeeded, but I consoled myself that by this time next year things would be different. Of course, they are different, just not in the way that I imagined. Hopefully things will be better by next year.

What a difference a day makes

Well, last night I slept extremely badly. I lay awake thinking about what I could do about our situation and that of the thousands of other couples around the UK who find themselves without access to the donor sperm or eggs that they need. And the more I thought about it the more angry I got. How unfair does this life have to get? Is it not bad enough that I will never have biological children of my own? Is that not sacrifice enough? Is the fact that I live in a country where I have to pay privately for medical treatment and practically bankrupt myself to have what most people get without even having to think about it not punishment enough for the sins I've committed?
Finally my wife and I were coming to terms with the fact that we'd never have kids the same way as everyone else and that doing things a little differently to everyone else would be ok, when life chucks another spanner in the works. What on earth have we done to deserve this?

And that got me thinking. The email thing I referred to in my last post was a good idea and as soon as I've got a few things sorted I'll be posting it. But why stop at an email? Why not think bigger? Why not think live Breakfast TV, the six o'clock news, the national newspapers, the works. When it boils down to it, stories about sperm donors smack of science fiction, spiced up with an element of sex. On top of that, people can't resist a story of personal suffering and that is something that can be turned to our advantage.

So, I made some enquiries with the fantastic people at the National Gamete Donation Trust and told them that I wanted to do something big. That I was happy to talk to anyone who would listen about my infertility and the situation in which my wife and I find ourselves. I want everyone to know that me, and thousands of men like me, need generous guys to provide us with the chance of having a family and that I'm not ashamed of the fact.

I wasn't expecting much of a response so I was surprised to say the least when I got a phone call from the NGDT asking me if I wanted to be put in touch with a journalist from the BBC who was doing an article on the shortage of sperm donors in Scotland. Now, I don't live in Scotland but I was happy to talk to any journalist that would listen, on the off chance that it might make a difference. And talk to her I did. She was most distressed that I don't live in Glasgow, otherwise I'd have been perfect for her story, and she said that she may well use my wife and I as background information for her story. That said, interviewing us directly was not an option for the TV because her boss wouldn't let her come to Worcester to interview a couple in England for a Scottish story. I will be speaking with her again over the next couple of weeks as she prepares her story and will try to encourage her to push the story to a national level if she possibly can.

After all the shortage is a national issue of huge proportions, and just to give you an idea of just how desperate things are, I read a report today that last June the total number of men donating in the UK had fallen to ten. That's right ten men for the entire country. I live in a country of 60 Million people and only ten of them are active sperm donors. If that's not a crisis then I don't know what is.

So there you have it. If any of you guys from the UK have any friends or contacts in the media, be it TV, papers or anything else then I'd ask you to direct them to me for a story. My mission to go national is underway. My name is Richard Woolven, I'm infertile and I need someone to donate sperm to help me and my wife start a family.

Archimedes is famous for saying "Give me a place to stand and I shall move the earth". I've got a place to stand. All I need now is a really long stick.

EDIT: Katty commented and asked if the statistics about the 10 donors for the counrty was really true. I know she wasn't questioning me but in case there is anyone out there who is interested I got my figures from this story in the Telegraph .

Err...fertiles...we have a problem.

Firstly my apologies for the swearing in my last post. I have decided that I need to stop swearing and so I shall refrain from doing so again if at all possible. Having had a chance to reflect on the events of yesterday I have come to a decision.

I could easily descend into a spiral of misery and depression about our situation and that of other couples in the UK who need donor sperm, or I can do something about it. I may be only one person but Eric's recent success in getting an article about DI dads published by USA Today has encouraged me and given me the proof that one man really can make a difference.

And so I shall use this post to put forward the beginnings of an idea that I have had and ask all of you to help me. The fact of the matter is that we need to make people aware of the shortage of donors and do everything we can to encourage men and women to consider donating themselves. And this can't be a carefully targeted and selective campaign. It needs to be a carpet bombing. The fact is that people will not become donors unless they at least first consider the idea and start to understand that a) donors are needed and b) that the families that they can have so easily and take for granted are a true gift that some of us cannot have without the help of a third party, namely themselves. I don't want to be crude about this, but billions and billions of sperm are...ahem...wasted every day while thousands of us around the country have none of our own and would pay thousands of pounds to get our hands on some.

So what is the idea? Well, as I said, I'm in the early stages of formulating it but I would like to start one of those really annoying emails that you sometimes get in your inbox telling heartbreaking stories about somebody's plight and asking for your help and to forward the email on to everyone that you know. I realise that I face a number of problems getting this idea off the ground, not least because I think the majority of junk mail filters are likely to pick up on the word sperm and immediately cast my email aside, but I think it can be done.

What help do I need from you great people out in blogland? Well it is my intention to post the text of my email on this site with a view to obtaining feedback and suggestions for amendments. Once I have the final draft then I'm going to ask you guys to help be my launching platform. While most of these emails start from a single person I am lucky enough to be blessed with you guys. I'm going to ask you all to take the text of my email and forward it on to everyone that you know, asking them to do the same. I won't be asking for a donor for ourselves and I don't want people to get in touch volunteering to donate to us. All I want is for some people to consider contacting their local clinics and consider becoming donors where they live.

And, of course, those of you out there that read this blog and are fertile yourselves or have fertile partners can go one step further. What is stopping you from becoming a donor yourself? If it's just that you never got around to it or considered it then there's no time like the present. If you want more information then you can find it via the National Gamete Donation Trust or you can email them at info@ngdt.co.uk.

So there you have it. That is my plan and while it may come to nothing it is something that I have to try. As an aside a number of commenters to my last post asked the question about importing sperm, in particular from the US. My thanks to them for their suggestion, and no disrepect meant to the US citizens I know, but quite frankly I don't trust the American system. It is almost entirely unregulated and solely run for profit and I'm not prepared to risk my wife or my children in that way. While I will risk a lot to have children I won't risk everything. Maybe as time passes I'll change my mind but for now that's how I feel.

Thanks to everyone for all their support and I look forward to some feedback from you all.

Richard

Sh1t,F$ck,W@nk,B0ll0cks....

If it's possible for something to both suck and blow at the same time then today really takes the fucking prize. I shall apologise now for the amount of swearing in this post but right now I'm not in the mood for being polite som if you don't like it, well tough shit.

I'm sire you all know that we went for our test today which, as it turns out was preempted by AF this morning. Although not a surprise it still kicks you in the balls every time it happens. So, armed with the knowledge that we'd almost certainly not been successful we trundled off to the clinic to have it confirmed. Strangely there was still a tiny bit of HCG kicking around in my wife's system and so we got a very faint positive, exactly the same as we did last cycle. Still, the BFN was probably the best bit of news that he had for us. Yep, that's right I said the best.

Still reeling from the "I'm very sorry" remarks he pulled the pin and threw a hand grenade into the room in the form of the following statement:

"Obviously we need to discuss treatment options and the decision is entirely up to you but I'm going to suggest that we go for IVF for the next cycle. I know that it seems like a big step, especially as we've only done two rounds of DI so far, but we only have one vial of donor sperm left and after that we have no idea when we'll be able to get any more. All of the clinics are keeping hold of the sperm that they have because supplies are so limited and we're having to tell new patients that we have no idea when they'll be able to start treatment because we have no idea how long it will be until we can find a match."

Talk about a dropping a fucking bombshell. I'm all for the move towards ending anonymity for donors but if the result is that everyone stops donating then I think that perhaps a little more thought should have gone into the process.

So there we have it. Suddenly we're going to have to fork out around £6000 for a last ditch effort to try and achieve a pregnancy. Not because my wife needs IVF but because this is our last chance for an indeterminate period of time and we need to maximise the success rates. And as soon as we start talking IVF then I start looking at TESE and ICSI pushing the costs ever higher. Any chance we had of ever being able to buy a house just got pissed out of the window.

And what it we're unlucky and the IVF doesn't work? Well it looks like tough shit for us. Am I mad. No I'm fucking furious.

Tagging along for the ride

So someone finally tagged me so now I have to tell you some more about my mundane pointless little life. After all you know how much I hate talking about myself ;-)

Ok, here goes:

5 Things in my Fridge

1. Some ampoules of saline (the spares I keep for when I drop one).
2. A piece of Wensleydale cheese with cranberries in it.
3. 4 jars of home-made vegetable soup (which I make every sunday and eat for the rest of the week).
4. A packet of radishes (which I hate but my wife loves. The French eh?)
5. 2 cartons of clementine juice (They were buy 1 get 1 free).

5 Things in my Closet

This I have a problem with. I have no idea what the hell a closet is. Is it a wardrobe? In which case it's just my clothes. Is it a cupboard? In which case which cupboard? The ones in the kitchen have got food in them. I'm instead going to use the cupboard under the stairs as it's the one with the most interesting stuff in it.

1. Two sleeping bags (one left handed and one right handed).
2. A double hammock that we bought on our honeymoon but have nowhere to hang.
3. A pair of dancing shoes (not mine).
4. A tape measure.
   
5. A collection of plastic bags of various sizes.

5 Things in my Car

1. A yoga mat (now that is mine).
2. A fire extinguisher (I always have one of those in my car).
3. A book on Linux.
4. A very old road atlas.
5. Some screws that fell out of the dashboard but I don't know where they came from exactly to put them back.

5 Things in my Handbag
You'll be shocked to learn that I don't have one of these so instead I'm going to give you a list of pointless things that I thought about today.

1. Why is it that all the food that tastes really good is the food that is really bad for you? Why doesn't celery taste like chocolate and chocolate taste like celery?
2. How is that we've had cars for about 100 years now and we still insist on powering them by burning horrid black stuff that comes out of the ground?
3. Why does air conditioning only ever break down when the weather is really hot and that the man who fixes it only comes around once the weather has cooled down again.
4. Why do pensioners and other people who don't work insist on driving there cars at 10 mph during rush hour and visiting supermarkets at the weekend? Go out when everyone else is at work.
5. Why is it that my house is always overflowing with stamps until I need to post a letter, at which point they all somehow herd themselves up into some alternative dimension until such time as I've been out and bought a load more, whereupon they then rematerialise again to repeat the whole process?

So there you have it. That's my contribution for tonight. I'll let you all know how we get on tomorrow.

Richard

A New Beginning

Today is the beginning of something new. Eric over at DI Dad has got a group of us DI Men together and created a new group blog for us to address our issues publicly. It's important for us because it's the first time a group of men like ourselves has spoken together and given a range of opinions on the matters that affect our lives and the decisions that we have made. The number of posts will build up over the next few days so please feel free to visit and offer the kind and supportive words that you've all given me over the last few months.

You'll find it at http://di-dads-speak-out.blogspot.com.

In our world we're off for our test on Wednesday but I don't hold out much hope. All signs are pointing at another failed cycle but it's not over until the proverbial fat lady does her thing.

Richard